Hello beautiful friends. It has been awhile. There have been many seasons I stopped posting because my world felt so beautiful that I simply didn’t know where to start. Other times though, it’s because my story started feeling heavy and that’s hard to face and hard to share.  Sometimes though transparency means that somebody gets help or hope or answers and in this space, if I can make a difference for even one person… then here I am. What matters the most: the kids are all thriving! Isaiah and Gabe are 16 years old, over 6 ft tall and driving! They are juniors in high school, are involved in our church’s youth group and in all other ways still as opposite as can be. Gabe is working and Isaiah has picked up guitar. Leela is 13 years old and is living her best life with an amazing friendship tribe, varsity volleyball and a singing voice that is breathtaking. These three are my everything. I hold endless chapters of love for them and yet, my brain gets stopped every time I go to write about them as fear takes a hold of me. 

6 months ago(3/28) I was diagnosed with breast cancer and that was and still is extremely terrifying. The day the doctors told me it was cancer they also said I wouldn’t live past summer. That right there was the deepest hell hole I’ve ever experienced. The anguish, the brokenness, the shock, the isolation, the despair of knowing ‘they’ need me longer. In that place there is no light. No hope. You are just very very alone. In that pit of hell I called out begging for prayers and help and promises that my kids will always be loved and looked after. There is a long explanation of how this type of cancer is rare, but in a simple terms- this type is lobular which is hard to find, and mostly only found long after it has been there for years. They believe it has been in me for 6 years. (5/6) I endured a double mastectomy and auxiliary lymph node surgery. Oncologist after oncologist told me that the surgery findings would be way worse than they had already thought. I wondered how the results could possibly be worse, yet, still I felt enormous peace to go forward with the surgery. The results show Jesus heard the relentless prayers of so many, listened and said “not yet.” There is hope for life, for a future, for more time, more memories… just more. Thank you God. I will forever thank you! Having 2/3’s of my lymph nodes removed led to lymphedema(arm swelling) and severe cording. Between the surgery and aftermath I had what looked like T-Rex dinosaur arms for a very long time until the cording released and function returned. Not being able to move my arms was difficult for sure, but not being able to hug my people was a harsh daily reminder of my world getting smaller. Thankfully repetitive physical therapy has allowed me to have arm function again. I was blessed with friends who would brush my hair, fly out to take care of me, get my daughter ready for her dances, took my kids to and from school and cheered extra loud for my kiddos when I couldn’t be there. Recently I finished daily radiation. The burns are fading enough to not be all consuming. The radiation caused radiation pneumonitis (lung damage), but is slowly healing. I have what I hope to be the last major surgery this Friday (10/11). So many people said this year was going to stretch me, push me, and exhaust me and so far that is the gentlest way of putting it. 

So many have come into my storm to show me it can be overcome. They assure me me that there is a way out, because they too were once in a similar fight. My brain and heart could only process so much in order to survive each day. It felt like fire was burning all around me and I couldn’t breathe or think or function. Yet, in this fire, I could see shadows of angels nearly unrecognizable. They were regular women in their mom jeans, arms extended with mascara running down their faces saying, “Here let me hold your hand and help you. Here is a quote, a song, research, a prayer of more life and miracles”. Jesus whispered to my soul that they too felt weak at one point, yet experienced their miracle and were transformed into warriors. They came into the fire and my pit of hell and offered their hands and heart to me. But Why? Why would they (many of which strangers) ever go back thru the horrific trauma they endured to open up their wounds again…and for me? They said it was so that I could see that healing was possible and was coming. Could I do that? Nobody would choose this path for anybody… but to go back into a nightmare to show someone else there is a way out… these women did not even hesitate. In that space they lifted my eyes to see a God I didn’t understand in this way until now. I am not ok yet.  I am better than I was though and breakthrough does come after the breaking in all kinds of forms, including the ones you would never expect. Right now it’s so much more hurting than healing, but I am driven and determined to survive, and to do it boldly. My knees demand me to bend for more time with Jesus and that brokenness brought me to a new depth beyond anything I had ever experienced… that God is bigger than what I had ever processed before. When we see star dust, He sees galaxies in us.

“In my brokeness I met Jesus in ways I never could have while whole.” – Author unknown. I love this quote and it highly defines this experience.

My kids know everything there is to know about me so not telling them right away was so hard. I had to wait until just maybe by God’s grace, there would exist one doctor that believed I could live. It would only take one. One person to be there when you need it the most is often all we need. I got 2nd and third opinions, seemingly endless tests and scans. I have endured three major surgeries in the past few years and each one has taken a toll, physically but mostly mentally. In the past 6 months I have endured over 127 appointments. The math isn’t math’n, but alas, it does somehow add up and that is only for the cancer related appointments. Being a mom means there are always so many other things. Life is busy for all of us but dang, mommyhood and trauma survivors just look different to me these days. There are warriors among us.

October is Breast Cancer awareness month. Why nonstop pink ribbon? I can assure you that the hell these people go thru is a different kind of horror. They needed all the support and hope that others had provided when they had lost all of their own and now they are doing the same for others. I thought I understood and was supportive, but now, now I get it on a much deeper relatable level. ‘They had given me until end of summer to live.’ This came the day before my sons turned 16. This was my first encounter that something was wrong. This was not ok. From the day a swollen lymph node was found to a little over a month later when I had surgery…. I had had 86 doctor appointments. I was exhausted to the core of my being. I had been saying I something felt off for years before they found it. I held on to the things we hear as women that are true for many, but wasn’t true for me and isn’t true for everyone. 

-Women under 40 often have dense breast and if you have been told you have dense breast you need to advocate to get a diagnostic ultrasound or MRI.-  

By the time this was found, I was dismissed by doctors, had 2 separate Mayo Clinic referrals, was told with no family history, no hereditary gene, that my chances of this pain being breast cancer was under 3 percent. They made me feel crazy and was told I would need to accept that nothing was wrong. Yet, I  wasn’t wrong and I wasn’t too young. The mammogram being clear was misleading and it almost cost me my life. It is true that most my cancer clinic friends are older than me, but it is also true that there are women next to me enduring chemo that are in their 20’s.  For me, blood tests have never shown anything is off. The pea sized lump or breast changes were never there, and no mammogram would have ever shown this kind of cancer. Never. What if me sharing my story doesn’t help? But what if it does!?

Endless questions and each answer leads to 100 more questions.  The more you find out the more you realize you simply just didn’t know before. Surgery choices: (oddly there are many). Weighing chemo options: (there are lots of different types of chemo and it isn’t always the correct choice for everyone/types of cancer). Natural path doctors and solutions have a time to lead and a time to follow: (the supplements, clean eating, and so much etc helps more then most doctors give credit). Radiation: (I am one in around 700,000 who can feel it…. This is a pain only closely understood when I think about torture chambers). Hysterectomy again: (I had a full, now I need a total…: what the heck does that even mean? Now you have a glimpse into the ridiculous circles I had to navigate). Cancer medicine/hope: (This has too many options to even touch on). One step forward, two steps back sounds amazing. In reality this feels like a rollercoaster of emotional vertigo with one inch forward and a mile backwards. Trauma resurfaces when I least expect it, but so does healing and love. 

This next sentence is the hardest because it reaching beyond myself and for myself. I need help… if you can, I need endless prayers. These hit me completely different now. THIS is the Biggest need I have. Prayers that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He will never leave me or my kids. Prayers for peace to rise and pain to lessen. Trust that in every day there is beauty to be found.  Please pray, just one prayer for me. I also need financial help. I have given tens of thousands over the years to people who needed it but I’ll be honest… I also was secretly wondering….Do they have insurance? Do they budget? Do they cancel Christmas if they need the money? Um yes. All of it yes, and still, the bills are unbearable and impossible. I feel so much shame that this cancer has caused bills that come on the daily that are impossible to pay. I’m being vulnerable and humble while also being embarrassed and depleted. Right now I need prayers and positive thoughts. I need the reminder that it just takes one person to give me hope and I too can be that one for somebody. If God leads you to leave a single dollar can you do that? Just one.  I want to know and remember that just ONE truly does matter. 

Everything helps. People ask “What do you need?” That is the hardest question because the only answer I have ever given is ‘Nothing. I got it covered, but thank you!’ When you are going thru cancer you are just overwhelmed, have decision fatigue and are functioning as a robot most days. But truly… everything helps. Anything. It makes a person feel seen and loved. Every single kind thing you do for someone makes them feel like they are someone to hug and love and not just their diagnosis. The heaviness that weighs on every mamas heart of wanting to be everything for their tribe gets heavy when your can’t move for weeks at a time. Friends who have become family have brought meals , offered to run errands, dropped off flowers… the list goes on. I honestly didn’t really ever think I could make a difference and if only to one person how much did I really matter? But then day by day God has given me just One person who showed me that next step could be done. He sent me an Angel the night before chemo was to start to redirect my steps. He gives me just one text, one letter, one hug and in that moment I really really needed that ‘one’. My energy used to feel like an endless ocean, now it feels as small as dixie cup. I am months behind replying to people but know… your message of encouragement has impacted me and you matter to me. I hope that me being brave matters and that someday my story can help somebody in your life when you don’t have the words. That maybe you can use some of mine even if they are imperfect, broken, misplaced, and raw, but also hold a sliver of hope. I don’t know if any of this will make a difference, but I will try. 

Desperation makes you do the craziest things and suddenly you become brave and vulnerable in spaces you never dreamt. Desperation and the reality of death also make you see the world differently, makes you see forever and today for what they are both at once. I don’t know what the future looks like. I know that the past 6 months depleted me, but also healed me. My world is huge and also I keep it small, protected and safe and right now my dixie cup is overflowing with just one step at a time. Cancer is different for everyone. Coming face to face to death is different for everyone. Nearly every decision that was made, in the 11th hour God changed. Every moment is a trust fall with Jesus. In the space I’m in right now it seems there is a lot of waiting and a lot reflecting. There is a lot of ‘was I enough?’ Do my kids know how deeply I love them? Did I make a difference to anyone? Did I do everything I could with my life? How do I measure my life? With moments, or memories, scars or fears? Somehow we are always capable of more… even when it’s impossible. I learnt so much about a cancer I never wanted to know anything about. I’ve learnt that when you think tears have an end point there is in fact so many more. I’ve seen that no matter what you see in others they are carrying so much more then you could ever imagine. Even this long post…. Might take 10 minutes to read but is the top of the iceberg in what is all happening inside of me, to me and around me. Right now the procedures and surgeries, symptoms and pain feel endless and yet God has been relentless to send me hope and help and healing. He is relentless for us. 

I am a mess in progress. I am in constant pain and that’s just an ugly fact. I am also in constant prayer and that that is the most beautiful part of this. There has been miracles in the mess, so many miracles. Pain feels like a poison that paralyzes my body and poisons my thoughts. Prayer leads me to purpose. Time disappears and also gets magnified at the same time. In that hole of despair with all odds with their back against me I still found hope and I am working on wholeness. Every day that I possibly can, I am choosing to whisper “Jesus help give me purpose”, rather then let this poison destroy me. I am so incredibly grateful for my life, for all I have been and all I will be. I have always been a writer. I get this from my dad. He is my protector, my person in life and in this cancer journey that has never left my side. He is what has always brought me back to who I always was and who I want to be. I am so grateful that in this storm he has come to Every Single Appointment and has been a phone call away (no matter the hour), as panic tends to visit deep in the night. Writing has been my therapy to process all that has been happening. I made a page to store my thoughts, to read how far I’ve come, to remember there is more to me then this chapter. I will say the religious type don’t always love my use of french but then clarity reminds me that I don’t always love their judgements of people that don’t fit into their made-up box. I’ve finally called it a tie and as it turns out most people find the real me to be the balance that makes God reachable and relatable, so for now… this is me.  The page is: Brave-up.org Be You….BU. Be brave enough to say yes. Be brave enough to say no. To be and to feel and to experience all that makes you who you are. Right now there are significantly more hard days than easy ones but I am moving forward I think, but man it is a slow burn.  Know that for someone today, You are the ONE they need and you are absolutely magical exactly the way you are. 

Here’s a donation page: ONE can make a difference. https://www.spotfund.com/story/bc5744f6-25b0-423e-b361-1d11d9689245

Here’s a Brave-UP BU merchandise fundraising page too! So far all I’ve figured out how to add is bags…. https://www.bonfire.com/brave-up/