As you think you are. Remind yourself every day who you are.

8/9 Thank you for writing me… and for writing me immediately. I don’t do that. I save each special text like a piece of Chocolate I can only have once a month or once I’ve earned it or some weird logic… then it gets in my head that it has to be everything when I simply have the energy for hello. I’ve really missed you. I think about you all the time. Please forgive me for not checking on you immediately.  

8/16 You are a ducking warrior. You are the daughter of a King.

8/19 Grateful for my problems today.

Waiting: it’s just waiting. So much waiting. Sitting in waiting rooms waiting. Time to think. But it’s not real thinking… it’s waiting room thinking. It’s ease dropping whether you want to or not. Hearing everything and nothing both at once. So much waiting. Just wait.

Thank you for helping me out… how often do you do this God?

8/28 It took 5 months to the day that I took an anti anxiety pill. “I am so strong”.  That is what I tell myself. What I need you to hear if you’re going thru this is “No. That was so stupid.” 

9/3 When you are an indecisive person, decisiveness is also from God. 

Affiliations matter. I took my dad back into the dressing room where I had mentally collapsed and recreated the memory of death and defeat into a memory of comfort and safety. At the beginning of radiation my son and I had gotten in a car accident. My car has been in the shop the entire time I was in Radiation- months! I didn’t realize until today that I don’t have my car affiliated with daily radiation, an hour drive, burning or battling. It sounds little, but God I just now gave me this as something special- almost unnoticed and yet it matters. Thank you Jesus for the things I notice, for the things I don’t, and for helping me recreate love where hell once lived.

I don’t need you to come for the iv, but I did need to know you were coming, I think it’s like Santa. Most kids don’t need to actually see him but they do have peace and comfort and safety in knowing he sees all that they are doing right and is in fact coming. Today you were my Santa. These things get bigger in my head as the day goes on so I try to get my daily 2 hour hospital field trip out of the way as soon as possible. Thank you Linds for being there. 

9/6 To drive up full of tears and mirrors and hidden fears. Oh Jesus I am coming home to them today  Thank you so so much for it being 4 months ago now. Thank you that I still get to watch them walk out of school. I am so grateful I get to be here.

One day in September: I’m sad Jesus. I’ve been sad before. It’s not just because of cancer or G or S or J or my heart suddenly slowing with hundreds of PVC’s. Or my arm pain. Or my chest pain. Or my nerve pain. Or the car. Or the hail damage. Fitting in. Fitting out. I’m just sad these days. Well actually just today. Well actually maybe just tonight. My 3 appointments, my kid needing an MRI, damn EIP meeting, probably should have eaten today. Today was just a lot for anybody. That’s all.

Hows life these days? Well… It’s a trust fall with Jesus.

I love this coffee cup and I love you dad.